This week’s been tough for writing. All the usual suspects raised their ugly little heads. The excuses: emergencies, distractions, fatigue, pain, stress (real and imagined), etc. left me with blank pages. Even my prompts didn’t inspire me. Then a few nights ago I saw this prompt “Own It!”
I’d written this one down under the sub-heading of my theme on Play. The last couple of weeks though I didn’t feel like playing or doing much of anything. I realized I was dealing with depression. Years of on and off therapy has taught me, the first step to dealing with depression is to identify it before it gets blown out of proportion.
Here’s what I identified as depressing me:
- My Birthday. Usually my birthday doesn’t bother me but this year according to the retailers I am officially a “senior citizen.” Not that I mind the discount but, really?! When did that happen?!
- The two jobs I had applied for, I was not interviewed. The reason given pretty much told me I will not be considered for promotions with this manager. I’m stagnated. I hate stagnate water; it’s smelly {eww}!
- I feel old and obsolete. I hate the itty bitty violin playing pity party in my head.
- Lately, I haven’t been able to handle my stressors well. My Dad needs help and doesn’t want it. The finances are just barely under control with medical expenses. Others want and deserve my attention. Day-to-day responsibilities. I want to PLAY! {foot stomp here}.
Then this prompt starts floating around in my head, “Own it.” Own it became slang, I’d say in the late 90s. At least that’s when I heard it first. I like it. It requires me to take responsibility for, well…me. And not everybody else. It gives me choices in life. All choices have outcomes (I hate consequences! But that is what they are). I can own the choice and the outcome. Some of my choices (okay a lot of them) aren’t so good. Like eating a half pint of peach sorbetto the other night. I owned the sorbetto. Yum! But I also owned the sugar headache at bedtime. Ouch!
Recently, a friend, told me to take off the rose-colored glasses and start looking at reality. Reality is a good choice for me to own. It’s not a fun choice for me. I really do like living in the future tense where I can see Milly’s Realm as lollipops and roses. I love to see people the way I want to see them, as the best life can offer. Can’t we all just get along…Oops! my 70s childhood hippie just popped up!
Reality can bite. It’s also an eye-opener. Living in the present tense will allow me to reach my goals step by step. I do this well at work where I have deadlines and goals. I can see the path I need to make sure the deadlines are met. My personal life has become reactionary; I am just reacting to things as they come up. So to change the habit, I’ve set some goals and deadlines for my writing and carving out the time to do it. I’m going to “own” my writing. It’s a part of me. Milly own it!
Don’t worry, I’ll still day-dream about my future. My imagination has always run wild so that’s not gonna stop. I do want to write those stories in my head. I’m just adding a bit of reality to the mix. I’m owning my daydreams. I’m also owning the reality to take the steps that make the dreams happen.
So I’m going to own a not so good month with not so funny adventures and a few disappointments. I’d much rather remember the fun stuff. But I remind myself my blog is about the change I am undergoing. Some of the change is not fun. My blog is also about the adventure I find along the way. Some of the adventure is not fun. Adventures are not just when you stand tall on the mountain top or blast through the finish line. That’s the reward. The adventure is the process of overcoming the obstacles to get to the reward.
Right now my adventure is a steep climb upwards. My pack is heavy but I continue on the journey ahead. I own the journey. I also own the obstacles. And if I am faithful, I own the reward. God owns me and I own God. I own the peace.
What do you own? Peace be with you,
Milly
P.S: If I can stop depression early with prayer and using the principles I have learned, Woo Hoo! If this doesn’t work, it’s time to get help. I learned to never be ashamed to ask for help. Oh! and I don’t give up when I need help. The little lesson here is never give up on God or yourself. You are worth it.
Milly Really! 