I hit the wall in May. I talked about it in my last few blogs. It’s been ten days since I could write. I feel frustrated since I’m letting you and myself down. It’s like all the energy left me in a big “whoosh!” I was left high and dry. And still the responsibilities and emergencies keep popping up. Oh BTW, tomorrow, my youngest gets four wisdom teeth surgically removed. {Watch out sarcasm ahead} Looks like a fun weekend for Milly!

At this point all I know to do is “pick myself up and dust myself off…and get back in the saddle!” I don’t know who said those old adages first but, they were right! I keep climbing back up in the saddle of my copper-colored horse. But Milly mine is listing to the side a bit lately. So…

I have to stop and reassess. It literally has been a struggle since Thanksgiving week 2016. I’ve been in a race to keep up and turn this ship towards my dreams. A few weeks ago I realized I was feeling depressed. As I wrote, I don’t fool around with depression. So I started working on ferreting out the problems and finding my footing.

I discussed this with a dear friend of mine. She said I needed to take care of myself. I paused and looked at her. I said “I don’t know how to do that right now.” I started to cry as she encouraged me. I told her I do all the things to take care of me. Like, my baths and seeing my doctors. I walk and spend time with friends and family. Get in some retail therapy. Pray. Pray. Read scripture/spiritual writings. Pray. I don’t want to “do” more.

That was the turning point. I realized I needed help. I found a faith-based therapist and saw her this week. I downloaded my overwhelmed self. She agreed life is hitting me hard. She understood my confronting depression head on (yes I had to download some of my past that I haven’t been brave enough to put out here. Mind you these are not secrets but, they are old wounds that I don’t plan to rehash to death. They will resurface and I will face, and share, them as needed). The amazing thing is she hit upon one thing that I do not take care of for myself. SLEEP. The big Z.

I have a love-hate thing with sleep. Oh do I love to sleep. My best dreams are when I sleep. I get great ideas and story lines when I get a good 7.5 hours (my perfect number) of the subconscious world. All comfy and cozy I settle into my pillows (I have 4 of them) and read for 20 to 30 minutes. Then, I snuggle into my pillow creating story lines in my head. I love sleeping!

Sleep also interrupts my progress. Chores and projects to do…Got to execute the plan of the day. Then the dishes and the shower calls. Get ready for work. O crap I forgot about an appointment tomorrow! Have to re-plan the tomorrow’s schedule. It’s after nine…I just want to relax with my book. Argh! to get up by five in the morning I need to be laying down to sleep by 9:30. Where did the day go? Why can’t I be like my dad who can operate on six hours a night? I’m jealous. Oops! Gotta go set up the coffee for morning. I hate Sleep!

Bottom line: I need to get my sleep! (Psst: My mom has been telling me this for years. The rebellious side of Milly just doesn’t listen (you can just see the hand up right?). It is confirmed, Mom is Right!). The Counselor suggested using guided imagery to help me sleep. When she asked if I’d done this before I said yes. It didn’t help me relax, I fell asleep. She smiled then gently said “that’s the point.”

Well I’ve tried it the first night and woke up every hour. I chalked it up to the busy day and getting some help. Night two I was too tired and went to bed without trying. That didn’t work either. Last night I found one guided imagery podcast that was incredibly relaxing, and when it was over I was more awake than I started. I stared into my cup of tea…That was decaf I made…right?

Tonight is night four. I realized I have been all work and no play Milly. A beautiful friend reminded me this week to remember my love of writing. Thank God for Friends!. I haven’t been doing what I love…writing. So tonight I’m writing. The frustrations of the day are falling away. I feel connected to the world by words. Now it’s time to relax into the bed and catch those Z’s

Sweet Dreams to all,

Milly