Today I am getting back to life. The last three weeks have been nothing but dad. It’s not bad. In some ways it is good. Now I need to move slowly back into the flow of life.

Grief seems to suck the air out of the room. For the last few weeks I’ve just been going through the motions and trying to breathe. Instead of days filled with tasks and events, I’m starting to have good days and bad days. I am starting to feel again. Yesterday was a bad day. I was irritable, weepy, and tired. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. On top of that I was sick of the pitying looks and condolences. I just wanted to do my work and go home.

Today was the opposite. I actually woke in less pain and felt peaceful. I felt like I could write again. I had not written a word in eight days. It feels more like months since I fired up my fingers to write. This has been a long week. Even today struggled to write. I was distracted by chores, shopping, laundry, a Hallmark movie and more. {Sigh}

Until now, I have not lost a parent. I also have not planned a memorial and all the other steps in-between. Let me tell you, Funeral planning is exhausting! Then once I got back to work I was crazy busy catching up. It would’ve have been worse if a few co-workers had not stepped up to handle a major portion of the workload while I was out for a week.

During that time the details of planning the memorial were lost on me. Thank goodness my family pulled together to bring in their expertise. My Husband, Princess, and Princes all took over parts of the service. They brought in professionals like the Funeral Director managing the whole process and the Event Planner managing the repass gathering.* The professionals and my family gently led me through the myriad of decisions I needed to make.

My Chiropractor literally kept “my head on straight” when I couldn’t sleep and my neck was out. My moms sent me text messages of hope with prayers and scripture to keep me uplifted. Behind the scenes the Holy Spirit kept his hand on my shoulder in support. When I felt like I wasn’t functioning, the people and Spirit God placed in my life carried me through it.

The memorial service and repass gathering went well. It was wonderful to receive the gifts of love and prayers from family and friends. I am thankful for the help of family, friends, co-workers, and professionals. I am grateful to God for providing the resources and community I needed to handle the arrangements.

We still have the interment to do at a future date. Right now, I have a bit of breathing space to bring my world to a new normal. I am in physical pain and grieving. I feel as if I am weighted down with a heavy wet cloak. For the last couple of weeks my shoulders and neck burned from the pressure. My head pounded from the stress. I felt physically weak. My endurance was gone.

The entire time God had my back. He brought me the information and help I needed as I needed it. I look back and see God has had my back through the entire struggle with my father’s sickness and death. For the last year or so since the Parkinson’s diagnosis, God has provided everyday miracles after everyday miracles. The people and facilities were available as we needed them. I am reminded of Matthew 6:34:

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow: for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” [NKJV]

I also like the way the Message translation for this verse reads:

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” [MSG]

These last few weeks I was forced to give my entire attention to each day. It was all I could handle. And you know what? God gave me more than I could have ever planned on my own. He has truly blessed me.

God bless,

Milly

P.S. It’s good to be writing again.

*Repass Gathering: Is a gathering of friends and family after a funeral or memorial service.