On Sunday, we drove up to our mountain home. I remembered the promise God gave me a few years ago:
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. [Jeremiah 29:11NKJV]
The dream is coming to Milly’s Realm. We have taken this week to plan our home in the mountains. What am I feeling? I am a jumble of emotions: Elation, gratitude, excitement, wonder, and fear.
Did you ever notice that dreams do not turn out quite like you thought they would? After so many years and dreams, some fulfilled and others discarded, I know the dream will not be how I imagine it through my rose-colored glasses.
There have been a few disappointing dreams. When I was a girl, there was a baby doll that cried and cooed. Every girl on the block, including me, wanted her for Christmas. She would even wet her diaper! Remember this was the late sixties or early seventies. This was a big deal!
On Christmas morning I opened the package, and there she was, in a big box behind the plastic. I could be a mom. This doll sounded like a real baby.
I don’t remember the doll’s name, either advertised or the one I gave her. It doesn’t matter because the dream was much less than the expectation. By the end of Christmas vacation, I had tired of the doll. What a disappointment.
What about being a real mom? Where did that dream come from? When I was engaged, I didn’t want children. The death of my seventeen-year-old sister had scarred me. Watching the grief in my mom and dad made me stubborn. No children, I decided. Nope! no children for me! I did not think I could survive the death of a child.
When I married, I decided my stepdaughter would be enough for me. My patient husband agreed and did not push me. After a few years of marriage, and hanging out with my Princess along with my nieces and nephews, a small dream began to grow. Five years after I vowed to love my husband forever, I gave birth to my first Prince. Three years later his brother Prince arrived. Overcoming the fear of loss, I dedicated both Princes to God. They are in His hands.
With God’s help I overcame the fear and now have the gift of a full family. The dream fulfilled by God is better than I imagined. So what is my fear now?
On Sunday, we drove for sixteen hours. Our drive to the mountains is a little over seven hundred miles from my Florida home. We loaded down the van with a daybed and stuff for the family house here. The trip was longer than usual because of two accidents. Along with the traffic, not enough sleep, and sore muscles from loading the van, I was in pain for most of the road trip.
By the time we got to the North Carolina State Line the pain was almost unmanageable, and I was melting down. Traveling is bittersweet for me. I am excited to go, but will my body hurt me? I wondered if it is just better to give up and stay home. This is when my demons started to party. Doubt and fear set in. The “What If” game began.
You know the game, here is the version I played for two days: “What if I can’t control the pain? What if I can’t live here? I haven’t lived in the country for years, what if I get sicker? What if there are snakes? What if I can’t work on my land?” The biggest questions were, “What if I’ve made a huge mistake? What if I don’t like it?”
Needing to talk to God, I sat not knowing what to say to Him. I let my mind relax into silence. Even without answers, it calmed me.
We visited our property yesterday. The trees, tall and full of leaves created a sheltering space. I let the silence seep in. I was still unsure of myself and decision. Standing there with my husband, I felt cocooned, as we checked the stakes for the footprint of the house. I didn’t want to cut down any of those trees.
Turning in a circle under the cool shade of the canopy, I felt the whisper more than heard it, to give you a future and a hope.
Last night as I struggled with the demons, they did not want to let go of their party, my husband made me laugh. He pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, “My Queen of What Ifs.” It broke the tension. I relaxed into him.
This morning was misty as fog floated over the river. I settled into writing again. The pain level today is a four out of ten. Just for reference, Sunday was a twelve. We met with the plumber and Health Department. We had a healthy lunch. Dear husband is on a Salvation Army donation run while I write. Yes, we are also working on the family vacation rental. It needs a little love too.
It feels like home. The dream is taking physical form in this world. I know God’s dream for me is better than I can imagine in my head. Today, I stopped playing with doubt and fear. My trust is in His plan for me, a future and a hope.
A new adventure has just begun, Peace.
P.S: Tomorrow we go back to our piece of mountain and meet with a recommended builder. I’m excited to see a plan come together.