Fall Apart

priscilla-du-preez-5LzlDVR3QpA-unsplash
(Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash)

Things fell apart this week.  Armed with my to-do list and a draft blog post, my hopes were high.  It would be a grand week.

As Scooby would say, “Rut Roh!”  Meaning my feet were scrambling ahead of the rest of me and I couldn’t stop the downward slide.  My well-laid plans crumbled.  On Sunday, our kids came to the house to visit with their dad.  It was an excellent day for an impromptu Father’s Day celebration.

I admit I felt left out.  Because of the virus stuff, we canceled my mother’s day and birthday plans.  Pushing the jealousy aside and I buried myself in the cleaning and food.  Looking back I see, that instead of taking a moment away to talk to God about my feelings, I went into “Martha-mode.”  By the end of the day, I was edgy and exhausted.

My eBay sales and financial plan projects were interrupted.  Work piled up at my job.  After working late a few days I was behind in my household chores.  There was tension in the family.  By Wednesday my world fell apart.  Exhausted, I couldn’t write a coherent sentence.  I gave up on the post.

At the beginning of the year, God gave me a message.  Through the last six months, He gently reminds me of what I need.  It has gotten to where I come across this message daily.  Maybe you’ve heard this whisper too:  “Rest in Me.”  Have you read it in a devotional?  “Rest in Me.”  Have you seen it on something?  “Rest in Me.”  Maybe like me, you have seen it in Jesus’ promise:

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” [Matthew 11:28]

“How Lord? Have you seen my list?” I asked.  Did I hear a chuckle?  I looked around the empty room.  Sitting on my bed, I shut my mouth.  God knows my brain is going a mile a minute.  He made my brain and knows how it works.  The Lord waited for me to calm.  Soon my brain slowed enough to focus, and I laser in on what the Lord is showing me.

I ponder the words, “Rest in Me.” Then I explored.  How do I rest?  I wondered.  I crave rest.  My body needs more rest than I give it.  A heavy sigh escaped my lips.  Lord, it’s all falling apart.  I can’t get it together this week.

Just let it go, let it fall apart. 

Say What!  My head screamed.  Not wanting anyone to hear my distress.  I whispered, “Let go? God? Let it fall apart? Are you serious?”

Put it in my hands.  Trust me.  Let it fall apart.

I’m still letting this conversation sink into my being.  I have left the situations alone but doing that is hard.  My “Ms. Fix-it” is waiting in the wings to jump in and save the day!  I’ve had to slam and lock the door on her a few times since Wednesday.  This is not my battle.  This time I am not the heroine.  It is time for mom to step aside and let God handle the battle.  He is the Hero.

I want to scream Proverbs 1:15:  My son, do not walk in the way with them, Keep your foot from their path;

But, the Lord has asked me to “let it fall apart.”  How can I deny My Lord and My God?  I trust Him with the very lives of my children.  It is hard to stand by and watch the love and training fall apart.

I cannot go into details about anyone’s life except my own.  This is where I will focus.  When I began falling behind in the goals for the week, I started seeing things falling apart in my life.  My children are pulling away from us and God.  My job is no longer a career.  I no longer enjoy my work.  My Country is at war with anarchists.  2020 has been one of my worst years yet for chronic pain leaving me exhausted. Because of the virus, I have lost most of my medical team, and I’ve lost track of friends.

Let it fall apart?  Grief stabbed into my heart.  At five-thirty on Thursday morning I sat on the couch with a pounding headache from a night of tossing and turning.  I sipped the first cup of coffee and found God’s presence surrounding me.  A ray of hope filtered through the grief in my heart.

Your life is changing.  The old needs to fall away.

The eyes of my soul lifted and saw the wisdom of letting it fall apart.  My dream and God’s calling will take me away from what I know here.  My relationships are not fracturing they are separating.  If I want my children to grow up, I need to let go.  They have their own decisions to make about God.  God allows them free will.  I need to get off their paths and stay on mine.  The virus and anarchists have strengthened my trust in the Lord.  They have taken away my security blankets: Government, medicine, science, and safety.  I am truly in God’s hands.  Last but not least, I find no doctor can help me regain my health.  I have to take the next step in choosing health: sleep and rest.  I must rest in the Lord.  The Lord is creates something new.  Therefore, something old falls away.

I do not know what tomorrow will bring and I leave you with a promise that touched my heart today.

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 18 Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation,

[2 Corinthians 5:17-18]

Milly

P.S.  Today’s references are from the New King James Version

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