I finished the writing marathon a week ago. Deciding to take some down time to rest and think; I came down off the high realizing Ms. Milly is in the middle of a lot of stuff.
This has been a tough blog post for me to write. I haven’t had a lot of time to think in the last year. The last two weeks was no exception: I finished the NaNoWriMo challenge. My dad is getting worse and we started looking at assisted living. I got sick Thanksgiving weekend. I had a colonoscopy yesterday. Because of my health issues, I’ve avoided this test for five years (The test went well by the way). I’m glad that’s over. I lost a friend this week. Along with all the other tasks that come with living life, it’s been a lot to deal with.
Emotions swirl around me like a dense fog obscuring my understanding. It is hard to see the path I need to take. Worry, sadness, exhilaration, fatigue, pain, loss, satisfaction, hurt, grief, fear, dread, relief, concern, anger, frustration, all impede my progress forward. I was forced to take a few steps back and understand something first.
I am off from work today. I knew I would need to sleep in. It was glorious to sleep in. My system is off because of the medical test. My head is pounding and my blood sugar is jumping from hypo to hyper depending on what I eat or do. I tempted myself with oatmeal enhanced with golden raisins, pumpkin seeds, and a touch of brown sugar this morning. Yum! As I ate, I went through my emails. I opened Bishop Barron’s Advent Reflection for today (www.wordonfire.org).
He wrote about Matthew 7:24-27. The house built on the rock vs. the house built on the sand. He said in the reflection: “This is the heart of it: If you are rooted in God, then you can withstand anything, precisely because you are linked to that power which is creating the cosmos. You will be blessed at the deepest place, and nothing can finally touch you.”
Going back over this scripture again, I thought back through my life. When I read this passage in the past, I had doubts as to the foundation of my life. I thought I was built on a solid foundation. But…I wasn’t sure until today. As I read today’s reflection, I found my foundation is secure. It is built on Jesus Christ. There has been a lot going on and I have been taking everything back to God…Multiple times a day! Handling things step by painful step. He is my foundation. He is the Friend supporting me as no one else can. A peace settles in my soul as the doubts scatter away. I know in my soul my foundation is secure. God will handle what I cannot. This is one gift given to me by my Father. It hits me, It is sad that I have spent so many years doubting my Father God.
This is not the post I wanted to write. I wanted to write about choices in my paths ahead. I titled it ‘Milly in the Middle.’ It was to be about choosing between my safe ‘middle of the road’ path or trying a new path that is unproven (at least to me). I had so much in my head the post became a muddle of words. I found I was in the middle of something I needed to flesh out before stepping into the next post (I’ll finish up the post on paths this weekend).
I had to get this out and understand it before I could move on. It is a middle step to where I want to go. I can’t take the first step and the last step without taking the middle steps in-between. I am in the middle of this dense foggy place taking one middle step at a time. What I do know is a path awaits me if I’m brave enough to take the steps with my hand in my Father’s hand. As I discovered writing today, my foundation is strong. Jesus has my back. I am never alone even when my emotions tell me otherwise.
May you be blessed today,